I’ve been thinking a lot lately which in my world often means I’ve been idle, detached and anxious. My heart and mind have been trying to do a lot at once this week: moving on, letting go, scorning others, forgiving myself, and moving through fear of the what happens next.
A few weeks ago my world turned upside down on me and since then I’ve been clinging to regain some sense of control. I struggled so hard to keep a tight grip on my ex, which backfired. I worked so hard to find an internship and have discovered that that job alone wont satisfy my restless mind. I have resisted folding into the settled lifestyle that Corona encourages. In short, I have been trying to control the wrong things.
I went on my first run today since I’ve been back in Corona. I disappointed myself with an exhausting 1.5 miles. I don’t think I realized it until then that my spirit and my strength aren’t determined by the control I have over things. My strength and determination are determined by how I handle the things I have little control over.
I think maybe it’s too soon to utter the things I’ve been letting myself feel and remember and re-digest the past few days, but I think it’s safe to say I’m finally moving towards acceptance of where I am and what I can do take advantage of life as I know it. There are always going to be things I don’t understand, people who act in ways that don’t make sense to me, things that will happen that seem unjust and unfair, and ideas the run like wildfire- out of my control. The best I can do here and now is to just let things be the way they are. To stop fighting, to move when I am called to move, and to rest when I am called to rest.
I’ve been thinking about who I am and what truths I hold. I’ve been weening myself away from rose colored lenses and thoughts of who I wish I was or how things should be. I’m locating the things in myself that need to be more realized and need to gain back control over the way I live. This might not make sense to me later, but it does to me now, and thats all that’s really important. I’m looking forward to the rediscoveries and new discoveries I’ll be making these next few days/weeks. I’m healing well and I’m feeling more myself these past few days than I have in a while, strangely enough, that doesn’t mean I’ve been entirely happy- just more realized.
P.S. My backyard is beautiful right now, no?